If anyone still goes to this blog after the months of neglect, here is my new address:
2922 Western Ave
Apt 502
Seattle, WA 98121
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Options and Consequences
The mental schism deepens as the doors open and the windows close in rapid, alternating fashion, neither of which are open long enough to facilitate a legitimate escape. I just sit and watch the beauty of the machine surrounding me and cool myself in the breeze of the rapidly opening and closing choices as I realized that I’ve done it again. It would appear that remaining stuck would be the only viable option. That is, unless, there were a third route. An option that is, always was, and always will be, hiding in plain view, if only I knew where to look… which if I really thought long and hard about, I would find…
I already know the answer before I finish the question. If looking forward has no real merit, then that would mean going in reverse is the only other choice. But could I do that? Could I go backwards again? Could I abandon yet another path in my life? . At least I’ve learned the lesson that time has been teaching me and I’m prepared to handle another dead end: I’ve laid a trail of memories so I know where I went wrong, where I could take a left instead of a right, where I could start over for another as of yet uncountable time.
But where does that new path lead? Most likely to more wasted time… then again, there is always the possibility that this path will finally be the one that gets me to the next level in my life, the path that doesn’t come to another abrupt wall of optionless possibilities. Maybe this one opens into a vast, sun-drenched plateau where I don’t feel trapped or bound to someone else’s dreams, somewhere I my happiness lingers instead of slowly fading to nothing…
Then again, all of this could be an illusion, a premature judgment that this is the end. Maybe a window or door will remain open long enough for me to see that I was right all along. Maybe I will find myself right where I want to be…
I already know the answer before I finish the question. If looking forward has no real merit, then that would mean going in reverse is the only other choice. But could I do that? Could I go backwards again? Could I abandon yet another path in my life? . At least I’ve learned the lesson that time has been teaching me and I’m prepared to handle another dead end: I’ve laid a trail of memories so I know where I went wrong, where I could take a left instead of a right, where I could start over for another as of yet uncountable time.
But where does that new path lead? Most likely to more wasted time… then again, there is always the possibility that this path will finally be the one that gets me to the next level in my life, the path that doesn’t come to another abrupt wall of optionless possibilities. Maybe this one opens into a vast, sun-drenched plateau where I don’t feel trapped or bound to someone else’s dreams, somewhere I my happiness lingers instead of slowly fading to nothing…
Then again, all of this could be an illusion, a premature judgment that this is the end. Maybe a window or door will remain open long enough for me to see that I was right all along. Maybe I will find myself right where I want to be…
Monday, January 2, 2006
On My Way Home
I’m sitting in the San Francisco airport, waiting for my connection to Baltimore to depart. Waiting for my means home on Christmas Eve 2005. As I sat patiently waiting, I decided to listen to a cd that I haven’t listen to in years. Coupled with seeing someone that I used to work with back in my A&F glory days, this has brought about some strange feelings. Feelings of doubt and questions of how I got here. Two or three years ago, would I have believed that I would be living in Santa Monica, working as an internal wholesaler for AIG SunAmerica? I think the answer would be a resounding “NO.” I honestly believed that I was meant for more in this life. That I would be making some sort of difference and be known by people other than my family and small group of friends. But now, as my 25th birthday looms just on the horizon, I see that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m not saying that my life is over and I am forever relegated to another “might have been,” but I’m saying that those dreams look farther away now than they ever have. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about what age it is that boys become men. The age they stop drinking heavily, stop womanizing, stop wasting their lives away and start focusing on their future, their goals, starting a family of their own. Personally, I feel I will never reach this point in my life. I still feel like I am 18. I feel more 18 now than I did at 18…and I don’t see myself changing anytime soon. Almost daily, there are moments where I think, “what the hell am I doing? Grow up, tim” but I don’t do anything about it. But then again, G is just drawing his life into focus and he is several years older… so I guess there’s still hope.
...
How is it possible to have so much running through my mind… yet have no way to put it into words? I know I form my thoughts in English, so why can’t I express them?
...
Let’s give this another shot… if there was one aspect of my life that I wish I could change, one part of my personality that I find utterly lacking, it would have to be my ability to appreciate the here and now. I find myself always living for tomorrow. Living for what may happen, not what is happening. Why can’t I ever be happy with what I have now? Why must I always be waiting for something better? Looking back, there are points in my life where I should have realized I was happy. But I was blinded by the future. I threw away some great things because of my stubborn belief that there is always, always going to be something better coming. But what if there isn’t? What if I cast aside the most important part of my life, be it a person, a job, anything, and regret it for the rest of my life… I guess that’s where the optimist in me takes over, refusing to be believe that this is as good as it gets. But then again, at what point does the glass stop being half full and become half empty? It’s a subtle switch, but it happens. I know that all too well. Maybe I should just say fuck half-full or half-empty: take a big swig, shatter the glass on the wall, and order another drink. What could be the harm in that?
...
How is it possible to have so much running through my mind… yet have no way to put it into words? I know I form my thoughts in English, so why can’t I express them?
...
Let’s give this another shot… if there was one aspect of my life that I wish I could change, one part of my personality that I find utterly lacking, it would have to be my ability to appreciate the here and now. I find myself always living for tomorrow. Living for what may happen, not what is happening. Why can’t I ever be happy with what I have now? Why must I always be waiting for something better? Looking back, there are points in my life where I should have realized I was happy. But I was blinded by the future. I threw away some great things because of my stubborn belief that there is always, always going to be something better coming. But what if there isn’t? What if I cast aside the most important part of my life, be it a person, a job, anything, and regret it for the rest of my life… I guess that’s where the optimist in me takes over, refusing to be believe that this is as good as it gets. But then again, at what point does the glass stop being half full and become half empty? It’s a subtle switch, but it happens. I know that all too well. Maybe I should just say fuck half-full or half-empty: take a big swig, shatter the glass on the wall, and order another drink. What could be the harm in that?
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
By Popular Demand
I guess I will answer all* of my adoring fans … If it isn’t apparent by my “tone,” my Christmas plans have changed since my last entry. Originally, there was a better than average chance that I would be stranded in Santa Monica for the holidays, left to celebrate alone and most likely hungry… but no longer. After finding a loophole in my company’s vacation schedule, I managed to get off of work on the 27th and 28th. Because of this, I will now be going home to Baltimore from the 24th to the 28th. If you only knew how excited I am to get out of LA for a long weekend and surround myself with 100% real people again. That’s the one thing I can always count on family for: being honest and being genuine. It’s going to be so refreshing. I guess its safe to say that LA is starting to wear on me… faster than I ever expected or wanted. Regardless, it will be great to go home for a few days…
*by all, I mean the one anonymous comment from my last entry…
*by all, I mean the one anonymous comment from my last entry…
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Forsaking Destiny
99 times out of 100, if you were to ask me if there is such a thing as free will, I would reply emphatically no. In my opinion, everything happens for a specific reason and at a specific time. The true mystery in life is to figure out what that reason is, to pull the correct lesson out of the occurrence and move on to the next predestined event. But lately, this foundation of my view on life has been crumbling, which can only lead to one thing… and I desperately don’t want to go through that again.
What, you may be wondering, could cause my beliefs to tremble? If you know me, you already know there is only one answer to that question: females or, more specifically, two females, who, as usual, shall remain nameless. The first came into my life as quickly as she has seemed to leave it. What could possibly be the point of such a short, and what I perceived to be, intense encounter. This was the person who I felt could change it all, the person who would change me. The most painful part is that she feigned feeling the same way about me. Why would anyone purposefully destroy someone emotionally? Actually, scratch that, I don’t want to know the answer… in fact, I don’t want to think about this anymore, its getting me all fired up… on to the next issue, which deals more with timing and proximity. Actually, that will have to wait for another day… I don’t feel emotionally capable of writing this right now…
Yes, I know this blog entry went nowhere, but so what, it's my blog and i'll do what i want!
If you want another good story that sums up my life right about now, ask me my Christmas plans…
What, you may be wondering, could cause my beliefs to tremble? If you know me, you already know there is only one answer to that question: females or, more specifically, two females, who, as usual, shall remain nameless. The first came into my life as quickly as she has seemed to leave it. What could possibly be the point of such a short, and what I perceived to be, intense encounter. This was the person who I felt could change it all, the person who would change me. The most painful part is that she feigned feeling the same way about me. Why would anyone purposefully destroy someone emotionally? Actually, scratch that, I don’t want to know the answer… in fact, I don’t want to think about this anymore, its getting me all fired up… on to the next issue, which deals more with timing and proximity. Actually, that will have to wait for another day… I don’t feel emotionally capable of writing this right now…
Yes, I know this blog entry went nowhere, but so what, it's my blog and i'll do what i want!
If you want another good story that sums up my life right about now, ask me my Christmas plans…
Friday, November 25, 2005
at work
I know this is a pretty lame post after a month hiatus, but hey, it's pretty lame that i'm at work today. That's right, the time stamp doesn't lie. It's 8 am the day after Thanksgiving and I am at work. I've been here for an hour and a half already...
I'll post more at some point...
I'll post more at some point...
Thursday, October 27, 2005
A Good Rut
It's been forever, and I apologize to all my adoring fans... if there are any that is... without further ado:
I feel the rut deepening, back to its familiar depth,, back to where I can’t see out. However, this time, the walls aren’t so steep, aren’t so slippery. In fact, this time, it feels more like a bowl where I am always at the bottom, regardless of the direction I take. I know I can get myself out of it, much more easily than in NYC, I just need to pick my direction and start climbing out. But I am wandering again: moving laterally in life instead of forward. But then again, at least it’s not backwards, of that much I’m certain…
I know grad/business school is the direction I should take. It is by far the most sensible and direct way to figure out how to draw my life into focus. But my inertia is too inert and the temptations too tempting. My circle of friends is growing inversely proportionate to my desire to concentrate on what I should be doing with my life. I know this sounds like my life in NYC but there is a dichotomy that must be seen here. Here I am happy, Here is where I KNOW I need to be. Here is where I will be able to find myself. I can feel it. Rarely to plans in life live up to, much less surpass, expectations, but moving here has done just that.
There is an inexpressible joy in driving through a canyon and alongside the Pacific every day on my way home from work. It produces a calm that never fails to erase the memories of the day’s work. I don’t know why, but it always seems to make me smile, for no reason whatsoever. And judging by how absurd it must look to see someone driving alone with a dumb grin on his face, the feeling must be contagious. It beats seeing the discontented and defeated faces on the 6 train, that’s for dame sure…
I feel the rut deepening, back to its familiar depth,, back to where I can’t see out. However, this time, the walls aren’t so steep, aren’t so slippery. In fact, this time, it feels more like a bowl where I am always at the bottom, regardless of the direction I take. I know I can get myself out of it, much more easily than in NYC, I just need to pick my direction and start climbing out. But I am wandering again: moving laterally in life instead of forward. But then again, at least it’s not backwards, of that much I’m certain…
I know grad/business school is the direction I should take. It is by far the most sensible and direct way to figure out how to draw my life into focus. But my inertia is too inert and the temptations too tempting. My circle of friends is growing inversely proportionate to my desire to concentrate on what I should be doing with my life. I know this sounds like my life in NYC but there is a dichotomy that must be seen here. Here I am happy, Here is where I KNOW I need to be. Here is where I will be able to find myself. I can feel it. Rarely to plans in life live up to, much less surpass, expectations, but moving here has done just that.
There is an inexpressible joy in driving through a canyon and alongside the Pacific every day on my way home from work. It produces a calm that never fails to erase the memories of the day’s work. I don’t know why, but it always seems to make me smile, for no reason whatsoever. And judging by how absurd it must look to see someone driving alone with a dumb grin on his face, the feeling must be contagious. It beats seeing the discontented and defeated faces on the 6 train, that’s for dame sure…
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Anonymous Convo
anon 1: but its making me realize so much.. how precious life is
anon 2: i dunno if it is precious
anon 1: why do you say that?
anon 2: it's all we know...maybe life is like eating only peanut butter sandwiches... then you die and suddenly there's jelly to put on them..
anon 1: lol... you made me feel so much better
anon 2: i dunno if it is precious
anon 1: why do you say that?
anon 2: it's all we know...maybe life is like eating only peanut butter sandwiches... then you die and suddenly there's jelly to put on them..
anon 1: lol... you made me feel so much better
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Another mystery postcard
The plot thinkens... this one is a 1984 vintage postcard from Canal St in NYC... but not even a postmark this time, how is that possible? At least the last postcard had one...albeit incomplete..
without futher ado:
"i can't wait for this stupid yeaR to be done. i have manged to discoveR eveRy paranoid delusion, eveRy fucking psychotic impulseand catatonic state. i can't wait to be free. my basic natuRe is as a child but i am being stuffed into an adult woRld. i should be thinking about my careeR moves but i only want to sleep."
all punctuation and capitalization is directly copied...
without futher ado:
"i can't wait for this stupid yeaR to be done. i have manged to discoveR eveRy paranoid delusion, eveRy fucking psychotic impulseand catatonic state. i can't wait to be free. my basic natuRe is as a child but i am being stuffed into an adult woRld. i should be thinking about my careeR moves but i only want to sleep."
all punctuation and capitalization is directly copied...
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Mystery Postcard
"how do you embrace each day
when there is nothing
to hold onto?
everything varies in
ridiculous degrees of
complexity"
-Anonymous
Who sent this?
when there is nothing
to hold onto?
everything varies in
ridiculous degrees of
complexity"
-Anonymous
Who sent this?
Monday, August 22, 2005
Typical
A bit of a disclaimer: these are feelings that have resurfaced and solidified only in the past few days, I am in no way discounting or disregarding anyone that has been part of my life in recent years.
Something just occurred to me. Up until a few days ago, I would have been hard pressed to find anything in my life that was truly bothering me, truly dominating my day to day thoughts. Life was good. It was the first time in years that I could honestly say, “Everything is perfect.” I guess I should have held those days a bit more dearly because once E told me she was engaged, this ceased to be the case. I knew it couldn’t last forever…
I know I shouldn’t be fixating on this as much as I am. I hadn’t seen her since my 23rd birthday and I knew that there was a more than an outside chance I may never even see her again, but none of these thoughts were actually concrete facts. I felt, as E still does, that our paths would cross again at some point. How could they not? In this life, how often to you meet someone who felt like the missing half of the puzzle, who felt like the sun that was always there, even if obscured by clouds. It took completely and utterly losing E to realize that this is what she was for me.
Looking back, I can’t believe it was me who left her, me who ended what was, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. I was so blinded by my own hormones and ego, made concrete by my senior year of college, that I couldn’t see I was throwing away a part of myself.
If I could take that back, I would. In a heartbeat…in a fraction of a heartbeat…in less than a heartbeat.
As I write this, Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays in the background…how apropos:
“Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Something just occurred to me. Up until a few days ago, I would have been hard pressed to find anything in my life that was truly bothering me, truly dominating my day to day thoughts. Life was good. It was the first time in years that I could honestly say, “Everything is perfect.” I guess I should have held those days a bit more dearly because once E told me she was engaged, this ceased to be the case. I knew it couldn’t last forever…
I know I shouldn’t be fixating on this as much as I am. I hadn’t seen her since my 23rd birthday and I knew that there was a more than an outside chance I may never even see her again, but none of these thoughts were actually concrete facts. I felt, as E still does, that our paths would cross again at some point. How could they not? In this life, how often to you meet someone who felt like the missing half of the puzzle, who felt like the sun that was always there, even if obscured by clouds. It took completely and utterly losing E to realize that this is what she was for me.
Looking back, I can’t believe it was me who left her, me who ended what was, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. I was so blinded by my own hormones and ego, made concrete by my senior year of college, that I couldn’t see I was throwing away a part of myself.
If I could take that back, I would. In a heartbeat…in a fraction of a heartbeat…in less than a heartbeat.
As I write this, Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays in the background…how apropos:
“Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Friendship and Changes
Why is it that the changes we choose to make end up change others more than we could ever hope to affect ourselves. Why is it that the simple and inevitable passing of time can forever alter the dynamics of a relationship, be it intimate or friendly? I know that the answers to these questions don't exist, but that doesn't mean that they don't have any merit.
Even though everyone thinks of themselves as special cases when they compare themselves to the rest of society, me being no exception, I honestly believe I am the same person I was when I left Manhattan, or even as when I left Boston. There was a period when I lived in Brooklyn where, due to some extenuating circumstances, I wasn't really myself. But other than that, I don't feel as if I've changed all that much in the past few years. I'd like to think that the average person doesn't change all that much either in such a short time period, barring a life altering, catastrophic event. That being said, how is it that relationship dynamics can change if neither person has changed? What is it that's different? So I guess my question on why friendships and relationships evaporate, boils down to a question of why people become friends in the first place...
The pessimistic Tim would answer that question by saying that people only become friends because they need something from that other person, be it a physical or a psychological need. The pessimistic Tim believes that people are only motivated by greed and desire. The pessimistic Tim is...Well, pessimistic. That being said, its self-evident as to why I don't have many long term friends.
Someone, anyone, please convince me otherwise...
Even though everyone thinks of themselves as special cases when they compare themselves to the rest of society, me being no exception, I honestly believe I am the same person I was when I left Manhattan, or even as when I left Boston. There was a period when I lived in Brooklyn where, due to some extenuating circumstances, I wasn't really myself. But other than that, I don't feel as if I've changed all that much in the past few years. I'd like to think that the average person doesn't change all that much either in such a short time period, barring a life altering, catastrophic event. That being said, how is it that relationship dynamics can change if neither person has changed? What is it that's different? So I guess my question on why friendships and relationships evaporate, boils down to a question of why people become friends in the first place...
The pessimistic Tim would answer that question by saying that people only become friends because they need something from that other person, be it a physical or a psychological need. The pessimistic Tim believes that people are only motivated by greed and desire. The pessimistic Tim is...Well, pessimistic. That being said, its self-evident as to why I don't have many long term friends.
Someone, anyone, please convince me otherwise...
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Upside...Down
The post about my job will have to wait....But now, for some breaking news....at least breaking for me...
Erin is getting married. Erin Wallace is engaged... If you've known me long enough, you know who she is and what this means. Hell, she had been such a big, if not the biggest, part of my life (unfortunately that phrase is past tense...as of two years ago) that I will even mention her by name, something I almost never do on this blog.
What do you say when you learn that the only person you've ever said "I love you" is getting married? What happens to that unseverable connection between your idea of love and the first person you fell in love with? I should be happy for her, happy because she is happy...and I am...for the most part. But there is still that part of me that is alive because she awoke it, because she showed it to me. That part of me erupted when she told me the news. All I have to do is think about it for a split second and my mind starts racing. I can't even put into words how I am feeling....and that is a first.
I guess all I know for sure is that a part of my life, the best part of my life that I will forever cling to, just slipped away. It's not gone, but it's no longer living. It is now, and forever will be, just a memory. The door has closed and the page has turned.
If I seem overdramatic, then my sentiments are being appropriately expressed.
All I can say, I guess, is that this has made me ever so slightly more cynical, ever so slightly more closed off, ever so slightly more... grown up.
Erin, as always, I wish you the best. Be happy. Know that you were, are, and will forever be, what made me the person I am today.
Erin is getting married. Erin Wallace is engaged... If you've known me long enough, you know who she is and what this means. Hell, she had been such a big, if not the biggest, part of my life (unfortunately that phrase is past tense...as of two years ago) that I will even mention her by name, something I almost never do on this blog.
What do you say when you learn that the only person you've ever said "I love you" is getting married? What happens to that unseverable connection between your idea of love and the first person you fell in love with? I should be happy for her, happy because she is happy...and I am...for the most part. But there is still that part of me that is alive because she awoke it, because she showed it to me. That part of me erupted when she told me the news. All I have to do is think about it for a split second and my mind starts racing. I can't even put into words how I am feeling....and that is a first.
I guess all I know for sure is that a part of my life, the best part of my life that I will forever cling to, just slipped away. It's not gone, but it's no longer living. It is now, and forever will be, just a memory. The door has closed and the page has turned.
If I seem overdramatic, then my sentiments are being appropriately expressed.
All I can say, I guess, is that this has made me ever so slightly more cynical, ever so slightly more closed off, ever so slightly more... grown up.
Erin, as always, I wish you the best. Be happy. Know that you were, are, and will forever be, what made me the person I am today.
Monday, August 1, 2005
Sunday, July 31, 2005
A Day of New Beginnings
Come Monday, my new life begins...officially at least. My new job as an internal wholeseller at AIG SunAmerica begins sharply at 8 AM. What, you may ask, is an internal wholeseller? My answer would be simple: ask me monday night... if i still can't answer it. Ask me in a few weeks once my training is complete.
Regardless of what this job holds in store for me, it has already served it purpose: tricking a management company into thinking me a fiscally responsible person and allowing me to sign a 1-year rental agreement. My new apartment is located in Santa Monica, ten short blocks from the beach and within 10 blocks of all the nightlife and shopping anyone could ever ask for... all for the price that would make any Manhattanite shake their fist in anger. I move into this beauty (which by the way also has a large patio looking out onto palm trees and a garden) after work on Monday. Pictures will be forthcoming.
Regardless of what this job holds in store for me, it has already served it purpose: tricking a management company into thinking me a fiscally responsible person and allowing me to sign a 1-year rental agreement. My new apartment is located in Santa Monica, ten short blocks from the beach and within 10 blocks of all the nightlife and shopping anyone could ever ask for... all for the price that would make any Manhattanite shake their fist in anger. I move into this beauty (which by the way also has a large patio looking out onto palm trees and a garden) after work on Monday. Pictures will be forthcoming.
buzzzzed smile
The much put-off, oft-debated buzz cut has occurred... My Cali transformation is complete
matador beach
Why stay back east when you can be surrounded by beauty like this?
Matador Beach is in Malibu... and about a 15 minute drive up the PCH from my new apt in Santa Monica
Matador Beach is in Malibu... and about a 15 minute drive up the PCH from my new apt in Santa Monica
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
11 Crazy Years
I realized something tonight. I was talking online to my friend JB and she mentioned that she had been in New York for almost seven years. It got me thinking to how long it’s been since I’ve lived in any place for more that 4 years. I would have to go back to seventh grade, or 1994, when I moved to Houston. My life since then is as follows:
Houston – 4 years
Gettysburg – Summer before Senior Year
Baltimore – 1 year
Boston – 4 years
Baltimore – Summer after Freshman Year
Boston – Summer after Sophomore Year
Newport – Summer after Junior Year
Boston/Chicago/Baltimore – Summer after Senior Year
New York City – Almost 2 years
Los Angeles – A little over 3 weeks
Not to mention the insane variety of jobs I’ve had:
Ghosts of Gettysburg – 3 months
Old Navy – 3 months
Starbucks – 3 years
Abercrombie – 2 years
Naval Undersea Warfare Center – 3 months
Camper – 8 months
New York Sports Club – 5 months
French Connection – 4 months
Science Applications International Corporation – 11 months
Town Tavern (bartending) – a few times a month for 4 months
Modelling – 3 (wasted) months
When I go over that bizarre and diverse list of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, it’s no wonder the thought of “growing up” or “settling down” is so foreign to me…
I don’t know if I will even ever be able to…
Unless of course I can find whatever it is I’m searching for…
Houston – 4 years
Gettysburg – Summer before Senior Year
Baltimore – 1 year
Boston – 4 years
Baltimore – Summer after Freshman Year
Boston – Summer after Sophomore Year
Newport – Summer after Junior Year
Boston/Chicago/Baltimore – Summer after Senior Year
New York City – Almost 2 years
Los Angeles – A little over 3 weeks
Not to mention the insane variety of jobs I’ve had:
Ghosts of Gettysburg – 3 months
Old Navy – 3 months
Starbucks – 3 years
Abercrombie – 2 years
Naval Undersea Warfare Center – 3 months
Camper – 8 months
New York Sports Club – 5 months
French Connection – 4 months
Science Applications International Corporation – 11 months
Town Tavern (bartending) – a few times a month for 4 months
Modelling – 3 (wasted) months
When I go over that bizarre and diverse list of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, it’s no wonder the thought of “growing up” or “settling down” is so foreign to me…
I don’t know if I will even ever be able to…
Unless of course I can find whatever it is I’m searching for…
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Some Peace...
What to write, what to write? Do I find that I have nothing to say because my mind is finally at peace or because there is simply nothing going on in my life right now. Every day is the same. Sleep in, eat, TV, gym, TV, eat, sleep, repeat. There are so many things I could be doing. I am in a completely new place with completely new people. Everything thing is new to me. And yet, I do nothing. Why? If I had to answer, I would say its because this is the calm before the storm, the deep inhalation before the race. I know that come August One, when I move again, my real Los Angeles experience will begin. That is when I'll be where I want to be: close to the beach with (hopefully) a year rental agreement signed and with (hopefully) a job that I love. That's a lot of hope. But I don'’t see anything wrong with that. Call me Andy Duphrane: Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. I know because didn't used to have hope in my life. I had resigned myself to the monotony of adulthood. I had accepted the fact that not everyday will be exciting, new, different. But why? It was this epiphany that set the wheels in motion to get me where I am today. I refused to be like everyone else. At this point, why settle down? Why lock myself into a life I don't want and never wanted? I see people unhappy with their lives and refusing to do anything about it. Not me.
The idea of taking all your possessions, everything you thought you needed and would have forever, and piling them up in the front yard of your god-awful landlord is considered insane. The idea of quitting a good job and moving across the country with no job and no plan is considered insane. The idea of leaving everyone you care about 4000 miles away is considered insane. Well, to me, forgetting happiness and letting your dreams slip into the past unfulfilled is the craziest idea of all. I know it seems that this is all I talk about lately, but I can't help it. It'’s what just about everyone says to me the second I tell them why I moved out here. It'’s only the ones that say congratulations that I continue talking to. I feel I need to surround myself with people who understand why this move had to be done, people who know what I'’m talking about because they did the exact same thing. It's strange, out here, most people feel the same way, but back east, it was totally different. Nine out of ten people thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I did, or maybe I finally found it...but I don'’t regret anything, not one single thing I've done. If you don'’t know what I'’m talking about, come visit...you'’ll understand and, most likely, never want to leave.
The idea of taking all your possessions, everything you thought you needed and would have forever, and piling them up in the front yard of your god-awful landlord is considered insane. The idea of quitting a good job and moving across the country with no job and no plan is considered insane. The idea of leaving everyone you care about 4000 miles away is considered insane. Well, to me, forgetting happiness and letting your dreams slip into the past unfulfilled is the craziest idea of all. I know it seems that this is all I talk about lately, but I can't help it. It'’s what just about everyone says to me the second I tell them why I moved out here. It'’s only the ones that say congratulations that I continue talking to. I feel I need to surround myself with people who understand why this move had to be done, people who know what I'’m talking about because they did the exact same thing. It's strange, out here, most people feel the same way, but back east, it was totally different. Nine out of ten people thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I did, or maybe I finally found it...but I don'’t regret anything, not one single thing I've done. If you don'’t know what I'’m talking about, come visit...you'’ll understand and, most likely, never want to leave.
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