I know this is a pretty lame post after a month hiatus, but hey, it's pretty lame that i'm at work today. That's right, the time stamp doesn't lie. It's 8 am the day after Thanksgiving and I am at work. I've been here for an hour and a half already...
I'll post more at some point...
Friday, November 25, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
A Good Rut
It's been forever, and I apologize to all my adoring fans... if there are any that is... without further ado:
I feel the rut deepening, back to its familiar depth,, back to where I can’t see out. However, this time, the walls aren’t so steep, aren’t so slippery. In fact, this time, it feels more like a bowl where I am always at the bottom, regardless of the direction I take. I know I can get myself out of it, much more easily than in NYC, I just need to pick my direction and start climbing out. But I am wandering again: moving laterally in life instead of forward. But then again, at least it’s not backwards, of that much I’m certain…
I know grad/business school is the direction I should take. It is by far the most sensible and direct way to figure out how to draw my life into focus. But my inertia is too inert and the temptations too tempting. My circle of friends is growing inversely proportionate to my desire to concentrate on what I should be doing with my life. I know this sounds like my life in NYC but there is a dichotomy that must be seen here. Here I am happy, Here is where I KNOW I need to be. Here is where I will be able to find myself. I can feel it. Rarely to plans in life live up to, much less surpass, expectations, but moving here has done just that.
There is an inexpressible joy in driving through a canyon and alongside the Pacific every day on my way home from work. It produces a calm that never fails to erase the memories of the day’s work. I don’t know why, but it always seems to make me smile, for no reason whatsoever. And judging by how absurd it must look to see someone driving alone with a dumb grin on his face, the feeling must be contagious. It beats seeing the discontented and defeated faces on the 6 train, that’s for dame sure…
I feel the rut deepening, back to its familiar depth,, back to where I can’t see out. However, this time, the walls aren’t so steep, aren’t so slippery. In fact, this time, it feels more like a bowl where I am always at the bottom, regardless of the direction I take. I know I can get myself out of it, much more easily than in NYC, I just need to pick my direction and start climbing out. But I am wandering again: moving laterally in life instead of forward. But then again, at least it’s not backwards, of that much I’m certain…
I know grad/business school is the direction I should take. It is by far the most sensible and direct way to figure out how to draw my life into focus. But my inertia is too inert and the temptations too tempting. My circle of friends is growing inversely proportionate to my desire to concentrate on what I should be doing with my life. I know this sounds like my life in NYC but there is a dichotomy that must be seen here. Here I am happy, Here is where I KNOW I need to be. Here is where I will be able to find myself. I can feel it. Rarely to plans in life live up to, much less surpass, expectations, but moving here has done just that.
There is an inexpressible joy in driving through a canyon and alongside the Pacific every day on my way home from work. It produces a calm that never fails to erase the memories of the day’s work. I don’t know why, but it always seems to make me smile, for no reason whatsoever. And judging by how absurd it must look to see someone driving alone with a dumb grin on his face, the feeling must be contagious. It beats seeing the discontented and defeated faces on the 6 train, that’s for dame sure…
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Anonymous Convo
anon 1: but its making me realize so much.. how precious life is
anon 2: i dunno if it is precious
anon 1: why do you say that?
anon 2: it's all we know...maybe life is like eating only peanut butter sandwiches... then you die and suddenly there's jelly to put on them..
anon 1: lol... you made me feel so much better
anon 2: i dunno if it is precious
anon 1: why do you say that?
anon 2: it's all we know...maybe life is like eating only peanut butter sandwiches... then you die and suddenly there's jelly to put on them..
anon 1: lol... you made me feel so much better
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Another mystery postcard
The plot thinkens... this one is a 1984 vintage postcard from Canal St in NYC... but not even a postmark this time, how is that possible? At least the last postcard had one...albeit incomplete..
without futher ado:
"i can't wait for this stupid yeaR to be done. i have manged to discoveR eveRy paranoid delusion, eveRy fucking psychotic impulseand catatonic state. i can't wait to be free. my basic natuRe is as a child but i am being stuffed into an adult woRld. i should be thinking about my careeR moves but i only want to sleep."
all punctuation and capitalization is directly copied...
without futher ado:
"i can't wait for this stupid yeaR to be done. i have manged to discoveR eveRy paranoid delusion, eveRy fucking psychotic impulseand catatonic state. i can't wait to be free. my basic natuRe is as a child but i am being stuffed into an adult woRld. i should be thinking about my careeR moves but i only want to sleep."
all punctuation and capitalization is directly copied...
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Mystery Postcard
"how do you embrace each day
when there is nothing
to hold onto?
everything varies in
ridiculous degrees of
complexity"
-Anonymous
Who sent this?
when there is nothing
to hold onto?
everything varies in
ridiculous degrees of
complexity"
-Anonymous
Who sent this?
Monday, August 22, 2005
Typical
A bit of a disclaimer: these are feelings that have resurfaced and solidified only in the past few days, I am in no way discounting or disregarding anyone that has been part of my life in recent years.
Something just occurred to me. Up until a few days ago, I would have been hard pressed to find anything in my life that was truly bothering me, truly dominating my day to day thoughts. Life was good. It was the first time in years that I could honestly say, “Everything is perfect.” I guess I should have held those days a bit more dearly because once E told me she was engaged, this ceased to be the case. I knew it couldn’t last forever…
I know I shouldn’t be fixating on this as much as I am. I hadn’t seen her since my 23rd birthday and I knew that there was a more than an outside chance I may never even see her again, but none of these thoughts were actually concrete facts. I felt, as E still does, that our paths would cross again at some point. How could they not? In this life, how often to you meet someone who felt like the missing half of the puzzle, who felt like the sun that was always there, even if obscured by clouds. It took completely and utterly losing E to realize that this is what she was for me.
Looking back, I can’t believe it was me who left her, me who ended what was, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. I was so blinded by my own hormones and ego, made concrete by my senior year of college, that I couldn’t see I was throwing away a part of myself.
If I could take that back, I would. In a heartbeat…in a fraction of a heartbeat…in less than a heartbeat.
As I write this, Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays in the background…how apropos:
“Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Something just occurred to me. Up until a few days ago, I would have been hard pressed to find anything in my life that was truly bothering me, truly dominating my day to day thoughts. Life was good. It was the first time in years that I could honestly say, “Everything is perfect.” I guess I should have held those days a bit more dearly because once E told me she was engaged, this ceased to be the case. I knew it couldn’t last forever…
I know I shouldn’t be fixating on this as much as I am. I hadn’t seen her since my 23rd birthday and I knew that there was a more than an outside chance I may never even see her again, but none of these thoughts were actually concrete facts. I felt, as E still does, that our paths would cross again at some point. How could they not? In this life, how often to you meet someone who felt like the missing half of the puzzle, who felt like the sun that was always there, even if obscured by clouds. It took completely and utterly losing E to realize that this is what she was for me.
Looking back, I can’t believe it was me who left her, me who ended what was, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. I was so blinded by my own hormones and ego, made concrete by my senior year of college, that I couldn’t see I was throwing away a part of myself.
If I could take that back, I would. In a heartbeat…in a fraction of a heartbeat…in less than a heartbeat.
As I write this, Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays in the background…how apropos:
“Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Friendship and Changes
Why is it that the changes we choose to make end up change others more than we could ever hope to affect ourselves. Why is it that the simple and inevitable passing of time can forever alter the dynamics of a relationship, be it intimate or friendly? I know that the answers to these questions don't exist, but that doesn't mean that they don't have any merit.
Even though everyone thinks of themselves as special cases when they compare themselves to the rest of society, me being no exception, I honestly believe I am the same person I was when I left Manhattan, or even as when I left Boston. There was a period when I lived in Brooklyn where, due to some extenuating circumstances, I wasn't really myself. But other than that, I don't feel as if I've changed all that much in the past few years. I'd like to think that the average person doesn't change all that much either in such a short time period, barring a life altering, catastrophic event. That being said, how is it that relationship dynamics can change if neither person has changed? What is it that's different? So I guess my question on why friendships and relationships evaporate, boils down to a question of why people become friends in the first place...
The pessimistic Tim would answer that question by saying that people only become friends because they need something from that other person, be it a physical or a psychological need. The pessimistic Tim believes that people are only motivated by greed and desire. The pessimistic Tim is...Well, pessimistic. That being said, its self-evident as to why I don't have many long term friends.
Someone, anyone, please convince me otherwise...
Even though everyone thinks of themselves as special cases when they compare themselves to the rest of society, me being no exception, I honestly believe I am the same person I was when I left Manhattan, or even as when I left Boston. There was a period when I lived in Brooklyn where, due to some extenuating circumstances, I wasn't really myself. But other than that, I don't feel as if I've changed all that much in the past few years. I'd like to think that the average person doesn't change all that much either in such a short time period, barring a life altering, catastrophic event. That being said, how is it that relationship dynamics can change if neither person has changed? What is it that's different? So I guess my question on why friendships and relationships evaporate, boils down to a question of why people become friends in the first place...
The pessimistic Tim would answer that question by saying that people only become friends because they need something from that other person, be it a physical or a psychological need. The pessimistic Tim believes that people are only motivated by greed and desire. The pessimistic Tim is...Well, pessimistic. That being said, its self-evident as to why I don't have many long term friends.
Someone, anyone, please convince me otherwise...
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