Pure Hatred

Johnny Damon, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!

By Popular Demand

I guess I will answer all* of my adoring fans … If it isn’t apparent by my “tone,” my Christmas plans have changed since my last entry. Originally, there was a better than average chance that I would be stranded in Santa Monica for the holidays, left to celebrate alone and most likely hungry… but no longer. After finding a loophole in my company’s vacation schedule, I managed to get off of work on the 27th and 28th. Because of this, I will now be going home to Baltimore from the 24th to the 28th. If you only knew how excited I am to get out of LA for a long weekend and surround myself with 100% real people again. That’s the one thing I can always count on family for: being honest and being genuine. It’s going to be so refreshing. I guess its safe to say that LA is starting to wear on me… faster than I ever expected or wanted. Regardless, it will be great to go home for a few days…

*by all, I mean the one anonymous comment from my last entry…

Forsaking Destiny

99 times out of 100, if you were to ask me if there is such a thing as free will, I would reply emphatically no. In my opinion, everything happens for a specific reason and at a specific time. The true mystery in life is to figure out what that reason is, to pull the correct lesson out of the occurrence and move on to the next predestined event. But lately, this foundation of my view on life has been crumbling, which can only lead to one thing… and I desperately don’t want to go through that again.

What, you may be wondering, could cause my beliefs to tremble? If you know me, you already know there is only one answer to that question: females or, more specifically, two females, who, as usual, shall remain nameless. The first came into my life as quickly as she has seemed to leave it. What could possibly be the point of such a short, and what I perceived to be, intense encounter. This was the person who I felt could change it all, the person who would change me. The most painful part is that she feigned feeling the same way about me. Why would anyone purposefully destroy someone emotionally? Actually, scratch that, I don’t want to know the answer… in fact, I don’t want to think about this anymore, its getting me all fired up… on to the next issue, which deals more with timing and proximity. Actually, that will have to wait for another day… I don’t feel emotionally capable of writing this right now…

Yes, I know this blog entry went nowhere, but so what, it's my blog and i'll do what i want!

If you want another good story that sums up my life right about now, ask me my Christmas plans…

at work

I know this is a pretty lame post after a month hiatus, but hey, it's pretty lame that i'm at work today. That's right, the time stamp doesn't lie. It's 8 am the day after Thanksgiving and I am at work. I've been here for an hour and a half already...

I'll post more at some point...

A Good Rut

It's been forever, and I apologize to all my adoring fans... if there are any that is... without further ado:

I feel the rut deepening, back to its familiar depth,, back to where I can’t see out. However, this time, the walls aren’t so steep, aren’t so slippery. In fact, this time, it feels more like a bowl where I am always at the bottom, regardless of the direction I take. I know I can get myself out of it, much more easily than in NYC, I just need to pick my direction and start climbing out. But I am wandering again: moving laterally in life instead of forward. But then again, at least it’s not backwards, of that much I’m certain…

I know grad/business school is the direction I should take. It is by far the most sensible and direct way to figure out how to draw my life into focus. But my inertia is too inert and the temptations too tempting. My circle of friends is growing inversely proportionate to my desire to concentrate on what I should be doing with my life. I know this sounds like my life in NYC but there is a dichotomy that must be seen here. Here I am happy, Here is where I KNOW I need to be. Here is where I will be able to find myself. I can feel it. Rarely to plans in life live up to, much less surpass, expectations, but moving here has done just that.

There is an inexpressible joy in driving through a canyon and alongside the Pacific every day on my way home from work. It produces a calm that never fails to erase the memories of the day’s work. I don’t know why, but it always seems to make me smile, for no reason whatsoever. And judging by how absurd it must look to see someone driving alone with a dumb grin on his face, the feeling must be contagious. It beats seeing the discontented and defeated faces on the 6 train, that’s for dame sure…

Anonymous Convo

anon 1: but its making me realize so much.. how precious life is

anon 2: i dunno if it is precious

anon 1: why do you say that?

anon 2: it's all we know...maybe life is like eating only peanut butter sandwiches... then you die and suddenly there's jelly to put on them..

anon 1: lol... you made me feel so much better

Another mystery postcard

The plot thinkens... this one is a 1984 vintage postcard from Canal St in NYC... but not even a postmark this time, how is that possible? At least the last postcard had one...albeit incomplete..

without futher ado:

"i can't wait for this stupid yeaR to be done. i have manged to discoveR eveRy paranoid delusion, eveRy fucking psychotic impulseand catatonic state. i can't wait to be free. my basic natuRe is as a child but i am being stuffed into an adult woRld. i should be thinking about my careeR moves but i only want to sleep."

all punctuation and capitalization is directly copied...