If anyone still goes to this blog after the months of neglect, here is my new address:
2922 Western Ave
Apt 502
Seattle, WA 98121
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Options and Consequences
The mental schism deepens as the doors open and the windows close in rapid, alternating fashion, neither of which are open long enough to facilitate a legitimate escape. I just sit and watch the beauty of the machine surrounding me and cool myself in the breeze of the rapidly opening and closing choices as I realized that I’ve done it again. It would appear that remaining stuck would be the only viable option. That is, unless, there were a third route. An option that is, always was, and always will be, hiding in plain view, if only I knew where to look… which if I really thought long and hard about, I would find…
I already know the answer before I finish the question. If looking forward has no real merit, then that would mean going in reverse is the only other choice. But could I do that? Could I go backwards again? Could I abandon yet another path in my life? . At least I’ve learned the lesson that time has been teaching me and I’m prepared to handle another dead end: I’ve laid a trail of memories so I know where I went wrong, where I could take a left instead of a right, where I could start over for another as of yet uncountable time.
But where does that new path lead? Most likely to more wasted time… then again, there is always the possibility that this path will finally be the one that gets me to the next level in my life, the path that doesn’t come to another abrupt wall of optionless possibilities. Maybe this one opens into a vast, sun-drenched plateau where I don’t feel trapped or bound to someone else’s dreams, somewhere I my happiness lingers instead of slowly fading to nothing…
Then again, all of this could be an illusion, a premature judgment that this is the end. Maybe a window or door will remain open long enough for me to see that I was right all along. Maybe I will find myself right where I want to be…
I already know the answer before I finish the question. If looking forward has no real merit, then that would mean going in reverse is the only other choice. But could I do that? Could I go backwards again? Could I abandon yet another path in my life? . At least I’ve learned the lesson that time has been teaching me and I’m prepared to handle another dead end: I’ve laid a trail of memories so I know where I went wrong, where I could take a left instead of a right, where I could start over for another as of yet uncountable time.
But where does that new path lead? Most likely to more wasted time… then again, there is always the possibility that this path will finally be the one that gets me to the next level in my life, the path that doesn’t come to another abrupt wall of optionless possibilities. Maybe this one opens into a vast, sun-drenched plateau where I don’t feel trapped or bound to someone else’s dreams, somewhere I my happiness lingers instead of slowly fading to nothing…
Then again, all of this could be an illusion, a premature judgment that this is the end. Maybe a window or door will remain open long enough for me to see that I was right all along. Maybe I will find myself right where I want to be…
Monday, January 2, 2006
On My Way Home
I’m sitting in the San Francisco airport, waiting for my connection to Baltimore to depart. Waiting for my means home on Christmas Eve 2005. As I sat patiently waiting, I decided to listen to a cd that I haven’t listen to in years. Coupled with seeing someone that I used to work with back in my A&F glory days, this has brought about some strange feelings. Feelings of doubt and questions of how I got here. Two or three years ago, would I have believed that I would be living in Santa Monica, working as an internal wholesaler for AIG SunAmerica? I think the answer would be a resounding “NO.” I honestly believed that I was meant for more in this life. That I would be making some sort of difference and be known by people other than my family and small group of friends. But now, as my 25th birthday looms just on the horizon, I see that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m not saying that my life is over and I am forever relegated to another “might have been,” but I’m saying that those dreams look farther away now than they ever have. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about what age it is that boys become men. The age they stop drinking heavily, stop womanizing, stop wasting their lives away and start focusing on their future, their goals, starting a family of their own. Personally, I feel I will never reach this point in my life. I still feel like I am 18. I feel more 18 now than I did at 18…and I don’t see myself changing anytime soon. Almost daily, there are moments where I think, “what the hell am I doing? Grow up, tim” but I don’t do anything about it. But then again, G is just drawing his life into focus and he is several years older… so I guess there’s still hope.
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How is it possible to have so much running through my mind… yet have no way to put it into words? I know I form my thoughts in English, so why can’t I express them?
...
Let’s give this another shot… if there was one aspect of my life that I wish I could change, one part of my personality that I find utterly lacking, it would have to be my ability to appreciate the here and now. I find myself always living for tomorrow. Living for what may happen, not what is happening. Why can’t I ever be happy with what I have now? Why must I always be waiting for something better? Looking back, there are points in my life where I should have realized I was happy. But I was blinded by the future. I threw away some great things because of my stubborn belief that there is always, always going to be something better coming. But what if there isn’t? What if I cast aside the most important part of my life, be it a person, a job, anything, and regret it for the rest of my life… I guess that’s where the optimist in me takes over, refusing to be believe that this is as good as it gets. But then again, at what point does the glass stop being half full and become half empty? It’s a subtle switch, but it happens. I know that all too well. Maybe I should just say fuck half-full or half-empty: take a big swig, shatter the glass on the wall, and order another drink. What could be the harm in that?
...
How is it possible to have so much running through my mind… yet have no way to put it into words? I know I form my thoughts in English, so why can’t I express them?
...
Let’s give this another shot… if there was one aspect of my life that I wish I could change, one part of my personality that I find utterly lacking, it would have to be my ability to appreciate the here and now. I find myself always living for tomorrow. Living for what may happen, not what is happening. Why can’t I ever be happy with what I have now? Why must I always be waiting for something better? Looking back, there are points in my life where I should have realized I was happy. But I was blinded by the future. I threw away some great things because of my stubborn belief that there is always, always going to be something better coming. But what if there isn’t? What if I cast aside the most important part of my life, be it a person, a job, anything, and regret it for the rest of my life… I guess that’s where the optimist in me takes over, refusing to be believe that this is as good as it gets. But then again, at what point does the glass stop being half full and become half empty? It’s a subtle switch, but it happens. I know that all too well. Maybe I should just say fuck half-full or half-empty: take a big swig, shatter the glass on the wall, and order another drink. What could be the harm in that?
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