Yet another new address

If anyone still goes to this blog after the months of neglect, here is my new address:

2922 Western Ave
Apt 502
Seattle, WA 98121

Options and Consequences

The mental schism deepens as the doors open and the windows close in rapid, alternating fashion, neither of which are open long enough to facilitate a legitimate escape. I just sit and watch the beauty of the machine surrounding me and cool myself in the breeze of the rapidly opening and closing choices as I realized that I’ve done it again. It would appear that remaining stuck would be the only viable option. That is, unless, there were a third route. An option that is, always was, and always will be, hiding in plain view, if only I knew where to look… which if I really thought long and hard about, I would find…

I already know the answer before I finish the question. If looking forward has no real merit, then that would mean going in reverse is the only other choice. But could I do that? Could I go backwards again? Could I abandon yet another path in my life? . At least I’ve learned the lesson that time has been teaching me and I’m prepared to handle another dead end: I’ve laid a trail of memories so I know where I went wrong, where I could take a left instead of a right, where I could start over for another as of yet uncountable time.

But where does that new path lead? Most likely to more wasted time… then again, there is always the possibility that this path will finally be the one that gets me to the next level in my life, the path that doesn’t come to another abrupt wall of optionless possibilities. Maybe this one opens into a vast, sun-drenched plateau where I don’t feel trapped or bound to someone else’s dreams, somewhere I my happiness lingers instead of slowly fading to nothing…

Then again, all of this could be an illusion, a premature judgment that this is the end. Maybe a window or door will remain open long enough for me to see that I was right all along. Maybe I will find myself right where I want to be…

On My Way Home

I’m sitting in the San Francisco airport, waiting for my connection to Baltimore to depart. Waiting for my means home on Christmas Eve 2005. As I sat patiently waiting, I decided to listen to a cd that I haven’t listen to in years. Coupled with seeing someone that I used to work with back in my A&F glory days, this has brought about some strange feelings. Feelings of doubt and questions of how I got here. Two or three years ago, would I have believed that I would be living in Santa Monica, working as an internal wholesaler for AIG SunAmerica? I think the answer would be a resounding “NO.” I honestly believed that I was meant for more in this life. That I would be making some sort of difference and be known by people other than my family and small group of friends. But now, as my 25th birthday looms just on the horizon, I see that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m not saying that my life is over and I am forever relegated to another “might have been,” but I’m saying that those dreams look farther away now than they ever have. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about what age it is that boys become men. The age they stop drinking heavily, stop womanizing, stop wasting their lives away and start focusing on their future, their goals, starting a family of their own. Personally, I feel I will never reach this point in my life. I still feel like I am 18. I feel more 18 now than I did at 18…and I don’t see myself changing anytime soon. Almost daily, there are moments where I think, “what the hell am I doing? Grow up, tim” but I don’t do anything about it. But then again, G is just drawing his life into focus and he is several years older… so I guess there’s still hope.

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How is it possible to have so much running through my mind… yet have no way to put it into words? I know I form my thoughts in English, so why can’t I express them?

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Let’s give this another shot… if there was one aspect of my life that I wish I could change, one part of my personality that I find utterly lacking, it would have to be my ability to appreciate the here and now. I find myself always living for tomorrow. Living for what may happen, not what is happening. Why can’t I ever be happy with what I have now? Why must I always be waiting for something better? Looking back, there are points in my life where I should have realized I was happy. But I was blinded by the future. I threw away some great things because of my stubborn belief that there is always, always going to be something better coming. But what if there isn’t? What if I cast aside the most important part of my life, be it a person, a job, anything, and regret it for the rest of my life… I guess that’s where the optimist in me takes over, refusing to be believe that this is as good as it gets. But then again, at what point does the glass stop being half full and become half empty? It’s a subtle switch, but it happens. I know that all too well. Maybe I should just say fuck half-full or half-empty: take a big swig, shatter the glass on the wall, and order another drink. What could be the harm in that?

Pure Hatred

Johnny Damon, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!

By Popular Demand

I guess I will answer all* of my adoring fans … If it isn’t apparent by my “tone,” my Christmas plans have changed since my last entry. Originally, there was a better than average chance that I would be stranded in Santa Monica for the holidays, left to celebrate alone and most likely hungry… but no longer. After finding a loophole in my company’s vacation schedule, I managed to get off of work on the 27th and 28th. Because of this, I will now be going home to Baltimore from the 24th to the 28th. If you only knew how excited I am to get out of LA for a long weekend and surround myself with 100% real people again. That’s the one thing I can always count on family for: being honest and being genuine. It’s going to be so refreshing. I guess its safe to say that LA is starting to wear on me… faster than I ever expected or wanted. Regardless, it will be great to go home for a few days…

*by all, I mean the one anonymous comment from my last entry…

Forsaking Destiny

99 times out of 100, if you were to ask me if there is such a thing as free will, I would reply emphatically no. In my opinion, everything happens for a specific reason and at a specific time. The true mystery in life is to figure out what that reason is, to pull the correct lesson out of the occurrence and move on to the next predestined event. But lately, this foundation of my view on life has been crumbling, which can only lead to one thing… and I desperately don’t want to go through that again.

What, you may be wondering, could cause my beliefs to tremble? If you know me, you already know there is only one answer to that question: females or, more specifically, two females, who, as usual, shall remain nameless. The first came into my life as quickly as she has seemed to leave it. What could possibly be the point of such a short, and what I perceived to be, intense encounter. This was the person who I felt could change it all, the person who would change me. The most painful part is that she feigned feeling the same way about me. Why would anyone purposefully destroy someone emotionally? Actually, scratch that, I don’t want to know the answer… in fact, I don’t want to think about this anymore, its getting me all fired up… on to the next issue, which deals more with timing and proximity. Actually, that will have to wait for another day… I don’t feel emotionally capable of writing this right now…

Yes, I know this blog entry went nowhere, but so what, it's my blog and i'll do what i want!

If you want another good story that sums up my life right about now, ask me my Christmas plans…

at work

I know this is a pretty lame post after a month hiatus, but hey, it's pretty lame that i'm at work today. That's right, the time stamp doesn't lie. It's 8 am the day after Thanksgiving and I am at work. I've been here for an hour and a half already...

I'll post more at some point...