I don't know what happened, but I woke up this morning feeling done, supersaturated with this place. I woke up and wanted to get into my car and drive off, NYC permanently in my rearview mirror. It's not a bad feeling though. This urge used to be driven by a need to escape, a need to run away. But not this time. Now, its more a feeling of completeness, a feeling that I have accomplished all that I needed to do. All that remains are a few goodbyes, the goodbyes that will be the hardest. If you had asked me a few months ago whether or not it would be difficult to part ways with anyone here and I would have laughed in your face and begged for the opportunity. If you know me, you know I'm not emotional or sentimental in the least. But I can feel it coming. It's going to be hard. But it has to be done.
Everyone hopes that things can stay on pause, that I will come back at some point and nothing will have change. But it will, in fact, it already has. As soon as the decision to move gelled, everything changed. It's easy to pretend that it didn't, but the fact that I am about leave set up residency somewhere in a corner of everyone's subconscious. I just hope we can all enjoy our last few days together...
I'm sorry if this seems a bit melancholy, but melancholy is how I'm feeling...
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
My NYC Top 10
I decided to put together a Top 10 list of my nights in NYC. I know I left a bunch out, so submission will be greatly appreciated! With no further ado:
1) G’s 25th Birthday: CT + Boathouse + Brother Jimmy’s + Sushi + 212 + Near Car Crash + Pelham Bay Park + Scarsdale = Possibly the craziest day ever. (Me, G, PC)
2) The 5 Bottle of Shiraz day at Patsy’s where G and I blacked out and came to on the train to Fairfield. Add in a day lounging on the Sound and supersized Margaritas the next day and we have number 2. (Me, G)
3) Red Sox/Yankees Game 7, 2004: Almost everything and everyone currently in my life traces back to this night, seriously. (Me, The Rocket Scientists, and introducing the Scarsdale girls, etc.)
4) Stacy’s 24th Birthday: I was having so much fun, I was actually dancing, ‘nuff said. (Me, SR, SS, Gianina, etc)
5) Kenny’s Visit: Coincided with G’s reemergence. Began at Thom Bar, mix in the the only 3 white guys at Joe’s Pub, a little Pangaea, and KG throwing up in his water glass at Coffee Shop. Not to mention all of us passing out on the train and waking up in Coney Island to a Police Officer prodding us. (Me, KG, G)
6) The Christmas Party at Mad River: began with open bar, ended with me dancing on the bar. (Me, AK, The Tank, Meg)
7) The Stretch Hummer: the training crew from NYSC getting trashed in a stretch H2 ending up with 3 bottles at Show. The best part is the ending: Some random (white) dude from South Africa screaming at my (white) friend for being a racist and kicking him in the face… you can’t make this stuff up (Me, Eddy-O, M, etc)
8) My third (and only sober) bartending experience: manning the upstairs bar was the best move ever. I met so many people that night. (Me, the Rocket Scientists, EMC, etc)
9) CRD’s visit: the one and only time CRD stayed with me in NYC was worth it. We burned down the UES. (Me, CRD, KR, etc)
10) My second to last week in NYC, to the select few who know me, you know what I’m talking about :)
1) G’s 25th Birthday: CT + Boathouse + Brother Jimmy’s + Sushi + 212 + Near Car Crash + Pelham Bay Park + Scarsdale = Possibly the craziest day ever. (Me, G, PC)
2) The 5 Bottle of Shiraz day at Patsy’s where G and I blacked out and came to on the train to Fairfield. Add in a day lounging on the Sound and supersized Margaritas the next day and we have number 2. (Me, G)
3) Red Sox/Yankees Game 7, 2004: Almost everything and everyone currently in my life traces back to this night, seriously. (Me, The Rocket Scientists, and introducing the Scarsdale girls, etc.)
4) Stacy’s 24th Birthday: I was having so much fun, I was actually dancing, ‘nuff said. (Me, SR, SS, Gianina, etc)
5) Kenny’s Visit: Coincided with G’s reemergence. Began at Thom Bar, mix in the the only 3 white guys at Joe’s Pub, a little Pangaea, and KG throwing up in his water glass at Coffee Shop. Not to mention all of us passing out on the train and waking up in Coney Island to a Police Officer prodding us. (Me, KG, G)
6) The Christmas Party at Mad River: began with open bar, ended with me dancing on the bar. (Me, AK, The Tank, Meg)
7) The Stretch Hummer: the training crew from NYSC getting trashed in a stretch H2 ending up with 3 bottles at Show. The best part is the ending: Some random (white) dude from South Africa screaming at my (white) friend for being a racist and kicking him in the face… you can’t make this stuff up (Me, Eddy-O, M, etc)
8) My third (and only sober) bartending experience: manning the upstairs bar was the best move ever. I met so many people that night. (Me, the Rocket Scientists, EMC, etc)
9) CRD’s visit: the one and only time CRD stayed with me in NYC was worth it. We burned down the UES. (Me, CRD, KR, etc)
10) My second to last week in NYC, to the select few who know me, you know what I’m talking about :)
Highly Anticipated
I apologize for the week delay in postings, but this move has taken over my life. Not the physical move, but the farewells. I feel so compressed, so rushed right now. There are so many people that I want to spend time with and give an adequate goodbye, but I know there will be some that just won't happen. I hope people can understand, if this happens to them, that they will be missed. But I also hope everyone understands that my full attention is impossible right now.
For the next week, I will be a scatterbrained mess. I will forget plans. I will be spread too thin. These reasons are why coming to my bartending tonight is so important. I am guaranteed to be there from 6 to Midnight. Everyone there is assured to have my full attention. So PLEASE come by and have fun.
...
As I enter my final week, I find myself wondering exactly what I will think of when I look back at my time here in New York. Will it be the horrible living locales (Bensonhurst and Harlem for those who haven't heard me complain incessently about the commutes)? Will it be the drunken adventures with G, Lexx, KG, CRD, M? Will it be the many retail jobs I had with the long hours/low pay/menial tasks? Will it be the many relationships that fizzled out before they even had a chance to begin? Or am I still focusing on the negative here...
I hope that when I find myself thinking about NYC, I focus on running in Central Park. Lazy Sundays, wandering the city, coffee in hand. Sitting in Union Square reading. Finding new restaurants and bars. But most of all, meeting new people every time I go out. NYC is full of one night friends: guys and girls you meet at a bar and spend an hour or two talking about nothing in particular, then never see again. If you've never experienced this, move here and you'll see. Nine times out of ten, its nothing, but that one person can make you realize that life/humanity isn't all bad. And that's a good feeling.
...
If anyone has any pictures or posts you'd like me to put up, send them my way. I'd be glad to put them up for you :)
For the next week, I will be a scatterbrained mess. I will forget plans. I will be spread too thin. These reasons are why coming to my bartending tonight is so important. I am guaranteed to be there from 6 to Midnight. Everyone there is assured to have my full attention. So PLEASE come by and have fun.
...
As I enter my final week, I find myself wondering exactly what I will think of when I look back at my time here in New York. Will it be the horrible living locales (Bensonhurst and Harlem for those who haven't heard me complain incessently about the commutes)? Will it be the drunken adventures with G, Lexx, KG, CRD, M? Will it be the many retail jobs I had with the long hours/low pay/menial tasks? Will it be the many relationships that fizzled out before they even had a chance to begin? Or am I still focusing on the negative here...
I hope that when I find myself thinking about NYC, I focus on running in Central Park. Lazy Sundays, wandering the city, coffee in hand. Sitting in Union Square reading. Finding new restaurants and bars. But most of all, meeting new people every time I go out. NYC is full of one night friends: guys and girls you meet at a bar and spend an hour or two talking about nothing in particular, then never see again. If you've never experienced this, move here and you'll see. Nine times out of ten, its nothing, but that one person can make you realize that life/humanity isn't all bad. And that's a good feeling.
...
If anyone has any pictures or posts you'd like me to put up, send them my way. I'd be glad to put them up for you :)
Monday, May 16, 2005
The Home Stretch
It's mid-May already: you blink and a week, a month, half a year, has gone by. The day you've been looking forward to before you even knew that day was coming is almost here. You can feel the electricity and excitement in even the smallest tasks. The morning alarm is welcomed and the 5 o'clock bell is celebrated. Everything just feels more alive, more real.
Two more weeks and another chapter of my life will be closed. Closed, but not forgotten. I know it will be awhile before I will be able look back on my time here in New York with total objectivity. I know that when I finally make my way back to the City, no one here will even recognize me, or at least not my personality. People here know me as a caustic pessimist and chronic complainer, but that isn't me. That's the city stifling me. That's the city never failing to show me the seedy underbelly of humanity. That's the city rotting me from the inside out. But not for much longer.
Now, when I see the trash blowing along the street outside of my apartment or the uneducated youth destined to be confined to a life of poverty during my subway commutes, it doesn't affect me. I can now realize that these are only temporary distractions. I can see past them. I can see myself thousands of miles away with a permanent smile. I can feel the real Tim forcing his way out. It's only a matter of rapidly disappearing time.
Two more weeks and another chapter of my life will be closed. Closed, but not forgotten. I know it will be awhile before I will be able look back on my time here in New York with total objectivity. I know that when I finally make my way back to the City, no one here will even recognize me, or at least not my personality. People here know me as a caustic pessimist and chronic complainer, but that isn't me. That's the city stifling me. That's the city never failing to show me the seedy underbelly of humanity. That's the city rotting me from the inside out. But not for much longer.
Now, when I see the trash blowing along the street outside of my apartment or the uneducated youth destined to be confined to a life of poverty during my subway commutes, it doesn't affect me. I can now realize that these are only temporary distractions. I can see past them. I can see myself thousands of miles away with a permanent smile. I can feel the real Tim forcing his way out. It's only a matter of rapidly disappearing time.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Redemption
For all of you who missed my last bartending extravaganza, it would seem that you have a chance to redeem yourself. I just found out that I will be bartending again on Tuesday May 24th from 6 to Midnight. Click the link in the right column to get the details for the Town Tavern.
And for those who don't realize it, the 24th is exactly one week before I leave NYC... So come send me off!
And for those who don't realize it, the 24th is exactly one week before I leave NYC... So come send me off!
Thursday, May 5, 2005
Last Night
I'd like to thank everyone who came out last night to the Town Tavern to celebrate my final bartending gig. To all who went, you know what a blast it was and has been. Anyone who was invited and had no excuse not to be there, piss off. You very well may be part of the reason I am leaving New York. So thanks for bolstering my decision!
Tuesday, May 3, 2005
Selfish? I Don't Think So
Something is bothering me this morning. Well, something is always bothering me in the mornings, but today is worst then most. Why do so many people do things to please others when it is themselves they should be pleasing? When will people realize that, sometimes, it's more important to think about ones own happiness over the happiness of others around them. If there is something that I want to do, something that I feel would make me happy, I am going to do it. I don't care if it could make someone else feel bad or depressed.
For example: say two people are good friends but have a falling out. During their friendship, however, one of the friends became friends with the others roommate. Now, after said fallingout, if the roommate and the ex-friend wants to hang out, they should do it. If the roommates are truly friends, this shouldn't be a problem. They should want each other to be happy. They should be mature enough to deal with the fact that friends come and go, that situations change. They shouldn't selfishly demand that the ex-friend is suddenly persona non grata. But then again, this selfish attitude may be the very reason the friendship dissolved in the first place.
Everyone is too concerned with how people will judge their actions. I say fuck everyone and their (mostly ridiculous and ignorant) opinions. Do what makes you happy. I honestly believe that if you live by this tenet, you will end up surrounding yourself with a few loyal friends who will love you for you, not for how others judge your actions. That is total freedom: to be able to totally let go, be spontaneous, and not worry if your actions may hurt your "friends," because you know, deep down, there is nothing you can do to make your friends love you any less.
For example: say two people are good friends but have a falling out. During their friendship, however, one of the friends became friends with the others roommate. Now, after said fallingout, if the roommate and the ex-friend wants to hang out, they should do it. If the roommates are truly friends, this shouldn't be a problem. They should want each other to be happy. They should be mature enough to deal with the fact that friends come and go, that situations change. They shouldn't selfishly demand that the ex-friend is suddenly persona non grata. But then again, this selfish attitude may be the very reason the friendship dissolved in the first place.
Everyone is too concerned with how people will judge their actions. I say fuck everyone and their (mostly ridiculous and ignorant) opinions. Do what makes you happy. I honestly believe that if you live by this tenet, you will end up surrounding yourself with a few loyal friends who will love you for you, not for how others judge your actions. That is total freedom: to be able to totally let go, be spontaneous, and not worry if your actions may hurt your "friends," because you know, deep down, there is nothing you can do to make your friends love you any less.
Monday, May 2, 2005
The Ones We Can Count On
Over the weekend, I found myself listening Maybe Roses, a CD by my good friend Alexander O'neill. When I came to the end of the CD, I was floored by three tracks that I had forgotten even existed. These final three tracks were live recordings from my birthday in 2002. Three tracks that Alex decided to play, spur of the moment, and record for posterity as a birthday gift.
The first track opens with Alex saying "You're going to remember this for the rest of your life." At the time, I couldn't have agreed more. But how, only 3 years later, could I have totally forgotten this experience. How does something you consider to be impossibly memorable completely disappear from your consciousness? After listening to the songs, the night came back to me, but why did it take this catalyst for me to remember it? It was my 21st birthday, the one that is supposed to change everything and be remembered for the rest of your life. Now, it's not even a blip on the memory radar.
Alex skipped his classes that afternoon because I asked him to celebrate my birthday. He was the only one. Everyone else waited until it was convenient for them. (I am also forever in debt for my roommate, CRD, for taking me out at midnight and buying my first legal beer, don't think I forgot about that Chris). This kind of loyalty is rare, or at least it has been for me. It is because of this that loyalty is what I value above all else.
For the people I consider to be my true friends, I would lie down in traffic for them. I would drop every and anything if they needed me to. The moment I realize that a person would not do this for me, I close myself off. It doesnt matter how long I have known the person, I just don't see the point of keeping someone in my life that may, at one point somewhere down the road, betray me. This may be an unreasonable fear and a bit idealistic. But when it comes to friendship, idealistic is how it should be. This attitude is the reason why so many people don't last very long in my social circle. But as for those who have been there for long enough (G, CRD, Lexx O, Birbs), I'm sure they'll agree with me that this is how a friendship should be.
The first track opens with Alex saying "You're going to remember this for the rest of your life." At the time, I couldn't have agreed more. But how, only 3 years later, could I have totally forgotten this experience. How does something you consider to be impossibly memorable completely disappear from your consciousness? After listening to the songs, the night came back to me, but why did it take this catalyst for me to remember it? It was my 21st birthday, the one that is supposed to change everything and be remembered for the rest of your life. Now, it's not even a blip on the memory radar.
Alex skipped his classes that afternoon because I asked him to celebrate my birthday. He was the only one. Everyone else waited until it was convenient for them. (I am also forever in debt for my roommate, CRD, for taking me out at midnight and buying my first legal beer, don't think I forgot about that Chris). This kind of loyalty is rare, or at least it has been for me. It is because of this that loyalty is what I value above all else.
For the people I consider to be my true friends, I would lie down in traffic for them. I would drop every and anything if they needed me to. The moment I realize that a person would not do this for me, I close myself off. It doesnt matter how long I have known the person, I just don't see the point of keeping someone in my life that may, at one point somewhere down the road, betray me. This may be an unreasonable fear and a bit idealistic. But when it comes to friendship, idealistic is how it should be. This attitude is the reason why so many people don't last very long in my social circle. But as for those who have been there for long enough (G, CRD, Lexx O, Birbs), I'm sure they'll agree with me that this is how a friendship should be.
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