"how do you embrace each day
when there is nothing
to hold onto?
everything varies in
ridiculous degrees of
complexity"
-Anonymous
Who sent this?
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Typical
A bit of a disclaimer: these are feelings that have resurfaced and solidified only in the past few days, I am in no way discounting or disregarding anyone that has been part of my life in recent years.
Something just occurred to me. Up until a few days ago, I would have been hard pressed to find anything in my life that was truly bothering me, truly dominating my day to day thoughts. Life was good. It was the first time in years that I could honestly say, “Everything is perfect.” I guess I should have held those days a bit more dearly because once E told me she was engaged, this ceased to be the case. I knew it couldn’t last forever…
I know I shouldn’t be fixating on this as much as I am. I hadn’t seen her since my 23rd birthday and I knew that there was a more than an outside chance I may never even see her again, but none of these thoughts were actually concrete facts. I felt, as E still does, that our paths would cross again at some point. How could they not? In this life, how often to you meet someone who felt like the missing half of the puzzle, who felt like the sun that was always there, even if obscured by clouds. It took completely and utterly losing E to realize that this is what she was for me.
Looking back, I can’t believe it was me who left her, me who ended what was, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. I was so blinded by my own hormones and ego, made concrete by my senior year of college, that I couldn’t see I was throwing away a part of myself.
If I could take that back, I would. In a heartbeat…in a fraction of a heartbeat…in less than a heartbeat.
As I write this, Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays in the background…how apropos:
“Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Something just occurred to me. Up until a few days ago, I would have been hard pressed to find anything in my life that was truly bothering me, truly dominating my day to day thoughts. Life was good. It was the first time in years that I could honestly say, “Everything is perfect.” I guess I should have held those days a bit more dearly because once E told me she was engaged, this ceased to be the case. I knew it couldn’t last forever…
I know I shouldn’t be fixating on this as much as I am. I hadn’t seen her since my 23rd birthday and I knew that there was a more than an outside chance I may never even see her again, but none of these thoughts were actually concrete facts. I felt, as E still does, that our paths would cross again at some point. How could they not? In this life, how often to you meet someone who felt like the missing half of the puzzle, who felt like the sun that was always there, even if obscured by clouds. It took completely and utterly losing E to realize that this is what she was for me.
Looking back, I can’t believe it was me who left her, me who ended what was, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. I was so blinded by my own hormones and ego, made concrete by my senior year of college, that I couldn’t see I was throwing away a part of myself.
If I could take that back, I would. In a heartbeat…in a fraction of a heartbeat…in less than a heartbeat.
As I write this, Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays in the background…how apropos:
“Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Friendship and Changes
Why is it that the changes we choose to make end up change others more than we could ever hope to affect ourselves. Why is it that the simple and inevitable passing of time can forever alter the dynamics of a relationship, be it intimate or friendly? I know that the answers to these questions don't exist, but that doesn't mean that they don't have any merit.
Even though everyone thinks of themselves as special cases when they compare themselves to the rest of society, me being no exception, I honestly believe I am the same person I was when I left Manhattan, or even as when I left Boston. There was a period when I lived in Brooklyn where, due to some extenuating circumstances, I wasn't really myself. But other than that, I don't feel as if I've changed all that much in the past few years. I'd like to think that the average person doesn't change all that much either in such a short time period, barring a life altering, catastrophic event. That being said, how is it that relationship dynamics can change if neither person has changed? What is it that's different? So I guess my question on why friendships and relationships evaporate, boils down to a question of why people become friends in the first place...
The pessimistic Tim would answer that question by saying that people only become friends because they need something from that other person, be it a physical or a psychological need. The pessimistic Tim believes that people are only motivated by greed and desire. The pessimistic Tim is...Well, pessimistic. That being said, its self-evident as to why I don't have many long term friends.
Someone, anyone, please convince me otherwise...
Even though everyone thinks of themselves as special cases when they compare themselves to the rest of society, me being no exception, I honestly believe I am the same person I was when I left Manhattan, or even as when I left Boston. There was a period when I lived in Brooklyn where, due to some extenuating circumstances, I wasn't really myself. But other than that, I don't feel as if I've changed all that much in the past few years. I'd like to think that the average person doesn't change all that much either in such a short time period, barring a life altering, catastrophic event. That being said, how is it that relationship dynamics can change if neither person has changed? What is it that's different? So I guess my question on why friendships and relationships evaporate, boils down to a question of why people become friends in the first place...
The pessimistic Tim would answer that question by saying that people only become friends because they need something from that other person, be it a physical or a psychological need. The pessimistic Tim believes that people are only motivated by greed and desire. The pessimistic Tim is...Well, pessimistic. That being said, its self-evident as to why I don't have many long term friends.
Someone, anyone, please convince me otherwise...
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Upside...Down
The post about my job will have to wait....But now, for some breaking news....at least breaking for me...
Erin is getting married. Erin Wallace is engaged... If you've known me long enough, you know who she is and what this means. Hell, she had been such a big, if not the biggest, part of my life (unfortunately that phrase is past tense...as of two years ago) that I will even mention her by name, something I almost never do on this blog.
What do you say when you learn that the only person you've ever said "I love you" is getting married? What happens to that unseverable connection between your idea of love and the first person you fell in love with? I should be happy for her, happy because she is happy...and I am...for the most part. But there is still that part of me that is alive because she awoke it, because she showed it to me. That part of me erupted when she told me the news. All I have to do is think about it for a split second and my mind starts racing. I can't even put into words how I am feeling....and that is a first.
I guess all I know for sure is that a part of my life, the best part of my life that I will forever cling to, just slipped away. It's not gone, but it's no longer living. It is now, and forever will be, just a memory. The door has closed and the page has turned.
If I seem overdramatic, then my sentiments are being appropriately expressed.
All I can say, I guess, is that this has made me ever so slightly more cynical, ever so slightly more closed off, ever so slightly more... grown up.
Erin, as always, I wish you the best. Be happy. Know that you were, are, and will forever be, what made me the person I am today.
Erin is getting married. Erin Wallace is engaged... If you've known me long enough, you know who she is and what this means. Hell, she had been such a big, if not the biggest, part of my life (unfortunately that phrase is past tense...as of two years ago) that I will even mention her by name, something I almost never do on this blog.
What do you say when you learn that the only person you've ever said "I love you" is getting married? What happens to that unseverable connection between your idea of love and the first person you fell in love with? I should be happy for her, happy because she is happy...and I am...for the most part. But there is still that part of me that is alive because she awoke it, because she showed it to me. That part of me erupted when she told me the news. All I have to do is think about it for a split second and my mind starts racing. I can't even put into words how I am feeling....and that is a first.
I guess all I know for sure is that a part of my life, the best part of my life that I will forever cling to, just slipped away. It's not gone, but it's no longer living. It is now, and forever will be, just a memory. The door has closed and the page has turned.
If I seem overdramatic, then my sentiments are being appropriately expressed.
All I can say, I guess, is that this has made me ever so slightly more cynical, ever so slightly more closed off, ever so slightly more... grown up.
Erin, as always, I wish you the best. Be happy. Know that you were, are, and will forever be, what made me the person I am today.
Monday, August 1, 2005
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