A bit of a disclaimer: these are feelings that have resurfaced and solidified only in the past few days, I am in no way discounting or disregarding anyone that has been part of my life in recent years.
Something just occurred to me. Up until a few days ago, I would have been hard pressed to find anything in my life that was truly bothering me, truly dominating my day to day thoughts. Life was good. It was the first time in years that I could honestly say, “Everything is perfect.” I guess I should have held those days a bit more dearly because once E told me she was engaged, this ceased to be the case. I knew it couldn’t last forever…
I know I shouldn’t be fixating on this as much as I am. I hadn’t seen her since my 23rd birthday and I knew that there was a more than an outside chance I may never even see her again, but none of these thoughts were actually concrete facts. I felt, as E still does, that our paths would cross again at some point. How could they not? In this life, how often to you meet someone who felt like the missing half of the puzzle, who felt like the sun that was always there, even if obscured by clouds. It took completely and utterly losing E to realize that this is what she was for me.
Looking back, I can’t believe it was me who left her, me who ended what was, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. I was so blinded by my own hormones and ego, made concrete by my senior year of college, that I couldn’t see I was throwing away a part of myself.
If I could take that back, I would. In a heartbeat…in a fraction of a heartbeat…in less than a heartbeat.
As I write this, Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays in the background…how apropos:
“Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Do you really mean that you would take it back "in a heatbeat"? I would say that is evidence that you have changed since then (refer to your earlier post). I have only known you this last year and I don't know E but I know that everybody feels weird when you hear someone you once were very close is taking that big step.
ReplyDeleteWell, I do not much, but I pose this question to you; are you still in love with "E" or are you just in love and enchanted with the way she made you feel about yourself and about the whole idea of happiness with someone else?
ReplyDeleteHey Tim,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I've been meaning to write you (of course, I don't have your email, so I went to your blog instead), but I've just read these last few posts of yours and I just wanted to say, that the feelings you have are probably the same overwhelming ones that, I believe, fuels some of the greatest poets and artists. Be happy that you've been able to experience that kind of love because so many people go through life never knowing how that feels. It's not just because she's engaged - her engagement made you become introspective and really think about how you truly always felt about her.