Before the family vacation

A country away and still my mind is in New York… what am I missing? Are people having fun? Fun with out me? Realizing that they don’t need me around to have fun? In reality, that should be the furthest thing from my mind. I am flying over the pacific, for the first time in my life I may add, on my way to Hawaii. A week in Hawaii. I should be excited, but why is it that my mind is elsewhere? Why do I always wish I were somewhere else, doing something different?

I really wish I could go to erin’s birthday party. It’d just be good to see her again. It’s been so long. Since my last birthday. Eleven months. It’s scary to think that. Where have the past 11 months gone? Gone and nothing jumps to mind that I’ve done in that time span. I’ve gotten a job, moved, but I haven’t grown as a person. In fact, I feel I’ve regressed a bit to the college mentality. Now that I’m living in Manhattan, bringing woman home is now an option. It makes me feel so hollow inside. Somedays, I truly believe that I am an emotional shell. Will I get them back if I meet the right girl? I can only hope.

I doubt it. I doubt everything.

Who knows? Whats done is done and can’t be changed now. That’s the sad part of life. Nothing can be undone. Nothing.

There are some theories that hell is our lives gone wrong. That every choice made is the wrong one. Every outcome the worst possible. Would we be able to differentiate this from our actual lives? Or would we think that maybe, some day, things will turn around for us. But they never will. Thus is hell.

Other theories say that we are destined to relive our lives over and over again. That this is reincarnation. Only we are unable to change anything we ever did. Every mistake made is redone, every disaster repeated ad infinitum. Comforting.

It should be noted, though, that I don’t believe in heaven, hell, or reincarnation.

Wouldn’t that take the meaning out of life? Which, in my opinion, is to use the time you have to the fullest extent possible. If there was something afterwards, why bother trying to accomplish all your hopes and dreams? No, I’d rather believe that this is it. If you waste it, it’s your loss. Not that I live by this tenet. If I did, there’s no way anyone would be able to convince me to sit in a cubicle for eight hours a day.

That’s for damn sure.