I’ve found that my mood, more often than not, is intimately connected to music and my musical preferences. Lately I’ve found myself immersed in it. I crave new music, new sounds. Anything new. It’s mimicking my life right now. New, change is what I’m thriving on.
Last night, I was lying in my bed, unable to fall asleep. I found myself panicking over my uncertain future. Where will I be living after June first? What will I do for a job? Do I even care? I fell asleep realizing, that, no, I didn’t care. I just want out. And out is what I’m about to have. Out, completely. I will be away from just about everyone and everything that I have ever surrounded myself with. And when I think about this, I am not scared, I do not feel like I will be alone. Much to the contrary. I feel I will finally be able to be myself. No more of this life. I can start over. And it feels great.
Several times a day, I realize that soon I will be thousands of miles away from the ordinary. From this shithole life I’ve managed to build for myself here. And that’s a glorious thought. When it happens, a smile creeps across my lips. It’s an odd feeling, this smile. It has been far too long since I’ve found myself smiling for no reason. All I know is that I like it. I like it a lot.
Coupled with this realization, comes the spring like an explosion. One week its totally miserable, grey. The outside matching my inside. Then, here comes the sun. What is it about sunny days that make life more manageable? I stand outside of my daily prison and suddenly it's all okay. I feel the sun warming my shoes, my feet. I feel this warmth as I go back into the building and up to my cubicle. The happiness lingers like this feeling. Trailing me back to my routine. Pulling me away. Telling me to leave it all behind. And soon I will.
Its April 11th 2005, the year is flying. But I welcome this. I dare the time to pass even faster. I dare June 1st to come. I dare the world to try to keep me here. I’m already gone. Everyday, I mail in my daily performance. But no one notices. People tell me that they are sad to see me go, that I shouldn’t do it. How selfish. It’s this very attitude that I am running away from. If they think I will get to LA and fail, running back to the east with my tail between my legs. They are mistaken. Gravely mistaken. If only they knew the real Tim. The Tim that is happy for no reason. The Tim that follows the motto “everyday should be a good day to die.” I used to believe this. Not only believe this, but embrace it. Everyday began with a promise and ended fulfilled. I was happy. I want that back. I know I can have it. Its right outside my grasp, begging me to play with it. I won’t disappoint.
But what will I do once I get out there? Should I confine myself to another cage, toiling away at another job that stifles and slowly kills me? Or should I risk it all and have fun. Make no money and save nothing. I could go for that right about now. What do I do now? I collect my inflated paycheck every other Friday and waste it. Waste it on shitty times. I drink it away to forget that I am miserable. I tell myself that everyone goes out and drinks, that its normal. But is it? Or is everyone begging to forget their problems, their mistakes as well? I think they are. Only they won’t admit it or do anything about it. Well I will. Fuck them all. I see they are dying inside just like me. At least I have the courage to admit it to myself. And that makes me stronger. I know this and its reassuring. Why don’t they see how miserable they really are? Man wasn’t meant to sit in a chair and work on a computer all day everyday. We are instinctually hunter/gatherers. We need to move back to that as a society. I honestly believe that. I’m tired of seeing people getting fatter and dumber by the day. It disgusts me. I get physically ill when I see it. I may sound like a stuck up prick, but I’m sorry. It’s the truth. Someone needs to tell these people to wake the fuck up. Do something. Read. Better yourself. Anything. But they never will. So fuck them. Time for some Darwinism.
But I’m getting away from my purpose of this little rant. I want to say that I think I am finally on the cusp of happiness. I know that one day, I will wake up, the sun will be shining on me and I will have a smile on my face. For no reason at all. And I can’t wait…
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Well three cheers for happiness, or at least taking steps to obtain it. Ignore the people who think you shouldn't go, they are just jealous ... i know i am. reading your post, i realized that most of my friends have disappeared across the county and the world, while i am pretty much butt-glued to this coast. I feel chlorinated, dried and peeled like a scab.
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